Thursday, November 10, 2005

License to Drive

About two years ago, some friends and I decided to take a co-worker out for a bachelorette party. My friend thought it would be a good idea to get a limo for the night, so none of us would have to worry about driving.

We all met at my friend's house. The limo was supposed to be a surprise for the bachelorette, but this surprise was soon ruined by my friend's pacing. "What's wrong?" I whispered to her. "The limo!" she hissed. "The limo is late."

An hour later the limo showed up at her house. My friend came stomping out of the door, ready to complain. The man who greeted us was not what we expected...

The limo driver stepped one dirty tennis shoe out of the car, and the train wreck who would be our driver emerged from the car. He had a Kangol on top of his unkempt hair, a flannel, and a pair of cargo shorts. "Hey," he said. "Damn, ya'll look good tonight." We all looked him up and down and started walking towards the limo.

"My boss just called me and told me I had to work tonight," he began. "I was sitting in my garage, playing dominoes, when I got the call. Sorry." He jumped back in the front seat. "Um, aren't you going to open the door for us?" one of us asked. "Oh, yeah, sorry." He opened the door and we all stepped inside. "You married?" he asked me as I climbed in the car. eeww.

"So where ya'll going tonight?" he asked through the partition window, eyeing us in the rearview mirror. "Go to the Standard Hotel on Sunset Boulevard." my friend said. My friend pushed the automatic window partition all the way up so we wouldn't have to talk to him again.

Once we reached the Standard, Mr. Limo Driver decided to take off. "So, how long ya'll gonna be?" he asked, his eyes darting away. "Are you leaving?" I asked. "I'll be back in 30," he answered. As we walked away my friend said under her breath, "What a loser."

30 minutes later we were waiting outside for our limo. "Where is this asshole?" my friend wondered. He showed up 10 minutes later, quite happy and with renewed energy. We got back into the limo. "What do you think he just did?" I asked. "Probably took a few happy hits off of some illegal drugs," the bachelorette answered, laughing.

Next, we pulled up to a dance club. "So, how long ya'll gonna be?" Mr. Limo Driver asked again. "I don't know!" my friend whined. "What difference does it make? Are you leaving again?" she asked. "Well, yeah," he answered. "Hey, just call my company when ya'll get through gettin' yo' groove on. They'll page me and I'll scoop ya'll back up." We all looked at each other and shrugged. Of course he would come back, right?

1 hour later, we had finished "gettin' our groove on". My friend ran across the street to a liquor store and called the limo company. "Okay," she said, running back to us. "They're paging him right now."

5 minutes later: Where the hell is he? (me)
10 minutes later: He should be here by now... (friend #1)
15 minutes later: Do you think he got lost? (friend #2)
20 minutes later: I'm about to kill this *%@^!!!! (friend #3)

25 minutes later Mr. Limo Driver showed up. This time he was super mellow and relaxed. "Heeeeey," he drew out. "How was the club?" Signs of relaxed, mellow hits off of an illegal drug.

"Where the hell were you?" my friend began raising her voice. "We've been waiting out here in the cold for 25 minutes! I'm paying good money for you to drive us where we want to go, pick us up from wherever we are, and to not complain about it and disappear!"

"Damn, sorry girl. Where do you want to go now? I'll take you anywhere you want to go." "Take us to Crazy Girls. Do you know where that is?" she said. "Crazy Girls? That's the best strip club in LA!" he answered, excitedly.

We all got back into the limo. "Let's ditch this guy," my friend said. "What do you mean?" we asked. "Well, let's have him drop us off at 1 block from Crazy Girls. We'll take off running and he won't know where we went. We'll call my boyfriend to come pick us up."

Once we got close to Crazy Girls, my friend knocked on the partition. "Hi," she said as he lowered the window. "You can let us out here." "This isn't Crazy Girls," he said, looking confused. "Let us out," she said calmly.

He pulled to a corner, and we all jumped out of the limo. The four of us ran down the street and turned a corner, running into the darkness.

An hour later we were sitting in a pizza restaurant, laughing about the night. Suddenly, my friend's cell phone rang. It was Mr. Limo Driver.

friend: Hello?

Limo Driver: Where are you?

friend: What do you mean where am I? I owe you no information. You were a terrible limo driver. You suck.

Limo Driver: No, don't say that. I liked you guys. What did I do wrong?

friend: Are you kidding me? You were late, you made us wait, and I suspect that you were using drugs while on your shift.

Limo Driver: So does this mean that I don't get paid?

friend: Yes.

Limo Driver: That sucks, man.

friend: Take care of yourself.

Limo Driver: Man, that sucks.


Life is hilarious.

Posted by Jaimie :: 1:47 PM :: 8 Peeked Into My Diary:

.:Write In My Diary:.


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